Holiday survival: Dealing with the family

Do any of these scenarios remind you of the holidays?

• Your father and his brother refuse speak to each other at family gatherings.
• Your sister drinks too much and makes a scene when everyone gets together for dinner.
• Table conversation focuses on why you're still single or haven't started a family.
• When you tell your mother that she shouldn't get so many presents for the kids, she buys more.
• Your cousin buys expensive gifts, then comments on the poor quality of others' gifts.
• Your in-laws don't understand why you can't spend the entire day with them.
• Your spouse or partner gets depressed and doesn't want to go anywhere.
• You get depressed and don't want to go anywhere.

The holidays bring out everyone's insecurities and hopes. It hurts when family gatherings make us feel angry, lonely or depressed when we're supposed to be happy. How do you deal with it?

Accept reality

You'll feel better when you accept that the holidays will not transform your family the way you'd like.

Can you change family members? No. You can only change the way you respond to them.

• Try to understand why someone is behaving badly. Maybe she's especially lonely. Maybe he's reminded of a disappointment.
• Don't waste time getting into arguments that nobody ever "wins." It might be better to simply talk about other things.
• If someone says something hurtful, kindly let them know how you feel. Saying something like, "That really hurts my feelings," is better than lashing out in anger. And it might cause the other person to stop and think a little.

Sometimes people resent feeling forced to celebrate in ways they haven’t chosen. An old tradition may mean a lot to some family members. But it may not mean anything to others.

If you don't enjoy current family traditions, it could be time to find a more meaningful way to spend the holidays.

1. Sit down with your immediate family.
2. Have everyone share what the holidays mean to them.
3. Discuss what you can do together to make the season more special.

After your immediate family chooses a new holiday tradition, include others you may have missed by starting something new for everybody. Maybe it's having brunch or a light supper, playing board games at home, or going out for a movie.

What if there's no family around?

Families drive us nuts. But when they're not around, we miss them.

If you feel lonely when the holidays approach, it's time to reach out. Seek out others who don't have family nearby and start a new tradition with them. It can give you that sense of belonging that we all need.

Related Links

Allina Behavioral Health Services

Family strength

Holiday stress inducers (and how to deal with them)

The "holiday blues"

First published: 12/07/99
Last updated: 11/30/2006

Reviewed by: Paul Kleeberg, MD, medical director, Allina.com