Pregnancy loss and grief: Saying hello and goodbye to your baby

You will be encouraged to see, touch and hold your baby. This may sound strange to you, but many other parents say that this time of saying goodbye becomes a cherished family memory and a valuable aid during their grief. Even if your baby has a physical abnormality, it probably looks worse in your imagination than it does in real life. You will find the beauty in your baby. She'll still have her grandmother's nose or her daddy's chin.

Take as much time as you need

You can expect to be given as much privacy and as much time as you wish with your baby. Once you have seen your baby for a time, you may want to invite other members of your family to see your baby. You may want to bathe your baby. Talk, cuddle, look at, and talk to your baby. If you brought special clothes, you can dress your baby. You may wish to comb his hair or snip a lock of hair to keep. Your birth center staff can give you your baby's wristband, blanket, and footprints on a certificate. When you are ready to say goodbye to your baby, let the nursing staff know. They will be there to help at this difficult time.

Arrangements for cremation or burial will be discussed with you. When you are ready, the staff will take your baby to the morgue and follow your wishes.

Name your baby

A name is a very special gift you can give your baby. You may want to use the name you selected or choose another name that is special for your baby. Naming your baby will help you talk more easily about your baby in conversations later and will also help others realize that your baby was a real person.

Get answers to your questions

Your health care provider may ask your permission to try to determine the cause of your baby's death through genetic testing or an autopsy. In some cases, the cause cannot be determined, but you may receive answers to your questions. Ask yourself the question, "If I choose to become pregnant again, would the results of an autopsy or genetic test be important to me?" Ask your health care provider to explain the procedures.

Consider religious or ethnic ceremonies

Let your birth center staff know about the religious or ethnic customs that are meaningful to your family, and tell the staff how they can support you in observing your own customs. For example, you may wish to have your baby baptized or have another religious service performed. The hospital may have a member of the clergy available for you, or you can call your own clergyperson.

You may choose to have a funeral or a memorial service for your baby. Many funeral homes charge only a minimal fee for a baby's funeral or cremation. You may choose to have a private family funeral now and a larger memorial service for your baby in a few weeks or months. You also may wish to plant a tree in memory of your baby or establish a memorial fund in your baby's name. Explore options that feel right for your family.